i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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