I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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