Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize