You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
