dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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