My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
