____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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