Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
