my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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