he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
