that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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