i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
