Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
