when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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