grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
