Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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