This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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