I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
