so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
