im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
