you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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