are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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