speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
