i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize