I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
should my penis look like a turkey
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
