some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
