i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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