there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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