...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
