Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
