All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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