Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
