I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
