Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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