So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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