Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
