i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
