you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
