I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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