I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
