chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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