I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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