What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I checked into jail on foursquare
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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