were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize