Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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