i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
