I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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