rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
