I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
