I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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