I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
