Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I intend to get homeless drunk
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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