I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
