I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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