I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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