I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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