Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
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