We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
