um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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