Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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