dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
