she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
