My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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